


of tears, of stars

by okamiwind



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Dreams, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:14:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21748123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okamiwind/pseuds/okamiwind
Summary: The paint is long dry. You either get a new canvas, or you accept the work as it is.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun
Comments: 28
Kudos: 71





	of tears, of stars

He is profoundly empty, and that is okay with him. 

He repeats that to himself, and he hopes that eventually, with enough reinforcement, it will become true. 

He stares up at the ceiling, traces invisible constellations. If he could see clear through to the night, he would be looking at the stars. That’s a nice thought, he tells himself. _Stars. Think of the stars. What if I lived among the stars?_

But he remembers belatedly that, even if he could run a million miles away, he could never outrun himself. 

“You always say you don’t feel well, but you never tell me what hurts,” Baekhyun says, and his head is on Sehun’s chest, and he presses his mouth to the skin of Sehun’s pectoral. 

Baekhyun is full of light, full of life, and Sehun feels like the opposite. The absence of light, absence of life. How could he be lying in bed with someone like this? How could someone like this see anything in him, anything besides what he really is? 

Baekhyun presses another kiss to Sehun’s chest as he lies there in silence, and Sehun looks down at him, looks down to where Baekhyun is kissing him, breathing life into his heart. It is a befuddled, confused kind of CPR, and Sehun wonders if there is anything left in him to save. 

“Talk to me,” Baekhyun says, and he kisses Sehun idly like that alone could be a pastime, like kissing could be a hobby. “I can feel that you’re sad.” 

“I know,” Sehun says, and he breathes out, shaky. “It’s because I’m bad at hiding it.” 

“No, it’s because I’m like a dog.” 

Sehun tightens his arm around Baekhyun’s body, and Baekhyun looks up at Sehun with a smile. 

“Like a dog?” Sehun prompts. 

“Dog trainers say that,” Baekhyun says, and he looks deeply into Sehun’s eyes, “when you have a lead on a dog, they can feel everything you feel. Frustration, disappointment, sadness. All that,” and Baekhyun takes his hand, runs an imaginary leash from Sehun’s hand, “from here,” to Baekhyun’s neck, “to here.” 

“Do they really say that?” Sehun asks. 

“I dunno.” 

Sehun rolls his eyes, and Baekhyun thunks his head back onto Sehun’s chest. 

“I just want you to know that, whatever it is, I’m here for you,” Baekhyun says. “We have an open line of communication. You can talk to me about anything. Or nothing, if you really have nothing to talk about. But I’m always here to… I don’t know, keep you company, I guess.” 

Sehun breathes in sharply, feels overwhelmed by the kindness, and he swallows over words that he knows would go over poorly. _You should go find someone else, someone who isn’t so fundamentally broken. You deserve someone who is fun and funny and good to be around. You aren’t my doctor. I shouldn’t treat you like one._

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” 

“I don’t know,” Sehun says. “I’m sorry.” 

Baekhyun breathes out, frustrated, and Sehun would stop if he knew how, but he’s told himself that this is who he is for so long now that he can’t seem to pull the furniture away from the walls, can’t move the pieces around in his head. _This is who I am. The paint is long dry._

“I know it’s been hard lately,” Baekhyun says, “and I know it’s hard to talk about.” 

For some reason, that is what makes tears jump into Sehun’s eyes. “Yeah,” he says, and he can feel his lips quake as he tries desperately to hold himself together, all the many shards flying apart. 

“I love you,” Baekhyun says. 

“Do—” 

“I know I don’t have to say it,” Baekhyun says, and he presses another kiss to Sehun’s heart. “But I say it because I mean it. Because I want you to know it.” 

“I know, I… you’re nice,” Sehun says. “Much nicer than I—”

“No,” Baekhyun says, and he slaps the palm of his hand against Sehun’s stomach, shocks a little laugh out of him. “I’m gonna get the squirt bottle, I swear to God, I’ll do it.” 

“No,” Sehun says, a smile on his face. “Don’t do that.” 

“Then you have to _stop_ ,” Baekhyun laughs. “Promise?” 

_I can’t promise things like that._

“Promise,” Sehun answers. 

A companionable, comfortable silence falls over them, a light rainfall of quiet, and Sehun closes his eyes, thinks of the stars. Maybe the two of them. Maybe there’s room for him too. Maybe he could be something nice if Baekhyun was there with him. 

“It’ll get better,” Baekhyun says, because that is what people have to say. What they are supposed to say. 

“And if it doesn’t?” 

“It will,” Baekhyun assures him. 

“When it doesn’t?” 

It is a challenge, a stupid thing to say, but it’s either keep all the stupid things inside or let them drip out, condensation on the glass between them. 

There is a script, but Baekhyun goes off book. 

“Yeah,” he says, and he lies across Sehun’s body, stares into his eyes. “What happens when it doesn’t?” 

“T-Then—” 

“Then you get help,” Baekhyun says. “That’s what happens. You get the help you need, and you build yourself back up.” He shakes his head, closes his eyes, lays yet another kiss to Sehun’s chest. “Do you really think I’m… God, like I’m just going to sit here and let you die?” 

“I don’t know,” Sehun says, and tears sit in the corners of his eyes. 

“I like you even when you can’t like yourself,” Baekhyun says. “And I’ll say it every minute of the day, if you need it. But one day, I swear to God, one day, it’s gonna sink in. And then… then, you’ll be unstoppable.” 

It is a pretty thought, being imbued with Baekhyun’s light. With the light of the stars overhead. 

“Work soon,” Baekhyun says. “Up and at ‘em.” 

“Okay.” 

“You’ll have a good day, right?” Baekhyun says. 

“How could I know that?” 

“Sometimes, you have a choice in the matter,” Baekhyun smiles, and then he laughs. 

Somehow, it turns into an ugly sound, which is why dread sits thick in Sehun’s stomach. This isn’t real. It’s not real.  
  


\- 

  
  
The alarm clock is going off, and Sehun is lying in bed. It is empty, save for him. The world is morning dark, and he needs to get up. He looks at his phone. Sees a text from Baekhyun.

He dreams of Baekhyun. Dreams of having him. Dreams of knowing him intimately. He dreams full conversations, full plot lines. All the time, he dreams. 

_i’m worried about you,_ Baekhyun writes. 

_Join the club_ , Sehun thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes, you just have to write yourself as oh sehun and give both you and your self insert sehun a dream bbh and pretend like it is ok to do that
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/okamiwind) | [my curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/okamiwind)


End file.
